Looking Back Two Years Ago

I intended not to write about this today but for some divine intervention, I replied to the message of my aunt and saw her photo albums. It's no coincidence seeing those photos, and I was reminded again of that day.

Exactly two years ago, March 16, 2009, while Davao was merry-making, our family was grieving. The ride to Buhangin Memorial Park seemed to be the longest ride. It's like I wanted to move forward but I didn't. Because I knew seeing him ends there.

And now that it's been two years, I am looking back and wonder where did all I get the strength to carry on. My grandfather's being ill until his death and finally burial was also the time when I had to finish my SAD Final Output, and Thesis Proposal. Aside from that, being elected as the new CS Rep that time, I had to prepare for the Seniors' Night and Graduation breakfast while preparing for the final exams.

I forgot how I did it. But I did it somehow. I never cried in public except when I first heard the news, and I was in Kim's house doing SAD and Thesis, and the burial. I tried to be strong in front of them, especially whenever I was with my grandma. I didn't bring any emotional burden whenever I was doing my tasks. I had to do my responsibility even if I was bleeding inside. My outlet was to cry inside the room while looking at his photos. I ran to the room whenever I felt like crying to hide my tears.

Lately, I've been wondering why I am this strong now. Now I know why. I have experienced a great loss in my life, but I chose to rise and move on. It couldn't be possible without my friends, especially my family, relatives and God! During those trying times, holding each other, and being strong for one another, helped us so much to carry on and continue living.

Two years ago was a reminder that I am strong, that we are strong as long as we have each other, as long as we believe that God is there to comfort us. I know my grandpa is somewhere peaceful and happy now. He is in a better place.

Whenever I feel like giving up, I'd look back to those days, and I'd call God to remind me again that there's no pain that can't be healed.

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Since it's been two months

This is my second month in Japan. Some great, and some sad things happened here. The happiness of seeing new things, new people, experiencing winter could have stayed longer if this was just a vacation. But no, I am here for work. And I am staying here until my contract expires, three years from now.

I am missing my family so much. This is the first time I have been away from home, from them, this long. It's not easy. Being independent at this age, and in a very unfamiliar country, it's never simple.

I have gone through emotional breakdowns. I don't have really anyone physically here that I can talk to about these things. I share sentiments to my family and friends online. It eases my loneliness somehow, but it's really different when you are with someone who can understand you, and be with you, and share the same sentiments.

I know my colleagues here feel the same thing--being lonely, feeing homesick, etc. But I guess mine is much stronger. And I also have the higher tendency of expressing and showing it through my actions, words, even in my health.

I know, as the days pass, I'm getting closer to that day when I'm finally going back home. I'll just have to think that way. To make that goal as my motivation in order to keep on moving forward.

There will still be times that I'll get into my bed and cry because of too much loneliness, but I am sure that after that I am going to rise again, smile and move.

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