I intended not to write about this today but for some divine intervention, I replied to the message of my aunt and saw her photo albums. It's no coincidence seeing those photos, and I was reminded again of that day.
Exactly two years ago, March 16, 2009, while Davao was merry-making, our family was grieving. The ride to Buhangin Memorial Park seemed to be the longest ride. It's like I wanted to move forward but I didn't. Because I knew seeing him ends there.
And now that it's been two years, I am looking back and wonder where did all I get the strength to carry on. My grandfather's being ill until his death and finally burial was also the time when I had to finish my SAD Final Output, and Thesis Proposal. Aside from that, being elected as the new CS Rep that time, I had to prepare for the Seniors' Night and Graduation breakfast while preparing for the final exams.
I forgot how I did it. But I did it somehow. I never cried in public except when I first heard the news, and I was in Kim's house doing SAD and Thesis, and the burial. I tried to be strong in front of them, especially whenever I was with my grandma. I didn't bring any emotional burden whenever I was doing my tasks. I had to do my responsibility even if I was bleeding inside. My outlet was to cry inside the room while looking at his photos. I ran to the room whenever I felt like crying to hide my tears.
Lately, I've been wondering why I am this strong now. Now I know why. I have experienced a great loss in my life, but I chose to rise and move on. It couldn't be possible without my friends, especially my family, relatives and God! During those trying times, holding each other, and being strong for one another, helped us so much to carry on and continue living.
Two years ago was a reminder that I am strong, that we are strong as long as we have each other, as long as we believe that God is there to comfort us. I know my grandpa is somewhere peaceful and happy now. He is in a better place.
Whenever I feel like giving up, I'd look back to those days, and I'd call God to remind me again that there's no pain that can't be healed.
The Blogger
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Looking Back Two Years Ago
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Since it's been two months
This is my second month in Japan. Some great, and some sad things happened here. The happiness of seeing new things, new people, experiencing winter could have stayed longer if this was just a vacation. But no, I am here for work. And I am staying here until my contract expires, three years from now.
I am missing my family so much. This is the first time I have been away from home, from them, this long. It's not easy. Being independent at this age, and in a very unfamiliar country, it's never simple.
I have gone through emotional breakdowns. I don't have really anyone physically here that I can talk to about these things. I share sentiments to my family and friends online. It eases my loneliness somehow, but it's really different when you are with someone who can understand you, and be with you, and share the same sentiments.
I know my colleagues here feel the same thing--being lonely, feeing homesick, etc. But I guess mine is much stronger. And I also have the higher tendency of expressing and showing it through my actions, words, even in my health.
I know, as the days pass, I'm getting closer to that day when I'm finally going back home. I'll just have to think that way. To make that goal as my motivation in order to keep on moving forward.
There will still be times that I'll get into my bed and cry because of too much loneliness, but I am sure that after that I am going to rise again, smile and move.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Just Don't Push Them Away
When things go badly wrong, or when we think we are in our worst self, we tend to push away the people that dearly love us, thinking that it is the way to save them from the misery and problems that we have. But is it really what we want to do? Is it the best way? Is it right in the first place?
Why do we think that it is saving them from misery? Are we in the best position to say that they are better off without us? Don't we consider what they think, what they prefer to do?
In our darkest moments, in our lowest points, only those who truly love us will stand by, for, and with us. If they want to stick in our lives, who are we push to them away? Are we not being arrogant?
We need love in this life. We need not all, but few people who are willing to stay no matter what, despite all the problems and adversities. But staying means being wanted to stay. A simple admission that we want them to stay, and that they are appreciated, will do. We don't need to give so much time, so much effort, so much money. Just don't push them away and they will stay.
If they truly love us, they will really stay. But again, just don't push them away but rather thank them for the love and company. They are the treasures in this life that we can keep for life. It's hard to lose such treasures.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The New Chapter
The whole summer I have been so confused on what career path to take. Because of this, lots of problems branched out. Relationships were tested. I battled with myself.
Now, when so much had happened, I am stronger. I am very happy of where I am now. Being a faculty member of the division I love so much, there is so much fulfillment.
Also, I have learned to be more understanding and more open to the possibilities. To be patient and to trust for the perfect time are the two things that I am proud to have learned.
Many things are still about to happen. I may not be always in my best self to face them but I know I am stronger now. :)
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Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Until it Happens
At this modern day, it is so hard to believe into something until it actually happens.
Probably because of the hurt of broken promises that we actually become scared of believing that they do come true; that we sometimes feel that being too hopeful would just lead to disappointment.
It may be hard to believe but that is what we have to do. We have to have faith and trust.
Things may not always happen as we expected. Promises may be broken at times.
But these should not hinder us from believing and hoping that promises may still come true; and that our dreams may still happen.
We have to continue to hope and believe yet not expect too much.
When things happen as we hoped to be, let’s rejoice but if not, then believe there are better things to come or maybe it will just happen later.
I learned that optimism is really helpful and that it’s the better option.
Rough times are inevitable but we can do something on how we see and deal with things.
And it should be in the positive way.
My Last Summer Break
This would be probably the last Summer break of my life. After this, I may not be able to experience this anymore because work knows no Summer break. I say that this time is a very crucial time for me. This time is the time to reflect and decide on what path to choose. I would be experiencing a transition that would somehow forever change my life. In this crucial time, I want and need support from people I love and trust because in every decision I make and take I always consider them. Quality time this Summer is all I ask. This is just all I want before a new chapter of my life starts. Before my freedom ends.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
When Days Drag On
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Because I can only do so much
In life there are things that you have no control of. Even how much you try to put things in place, perfectly design it, do your best and give your all, they may not just be enough.
I learned that I could only do so much; that despite all my efforts, things may not go my way, as what I expect them to be.
I have done things that I have never done before—my firsts. I thought that if I go beyond my routines, that if I do something unusual, that if I do it, things will be perfectly beautiful. But it was not the case.
I have done my best. I have been very prepared. I thought that if things are in place, that if all are set, that if I am just prepared, things will be smooth sailing. Again, it was not the case.
I have given my all. In my perspective, I gave my all. I thought that if I won’t hold back, that if I do everything I can do and give, things would go my way. It was not the case.
At the end of the day, I realized that even if I did what I’ve never done before, did my very best and gave my all, it’s not always an assurance that things will be perfectly well. There are things that I, we, have no control of like sickness, natural calamity, etc. I can have no control of them nor prevent them from coming. They are external. They are beyond my control.
It is just sad that my efforts could be wasted because these external factors may not coincide with what I plan, with what I want to happen. And so I prayed that they might be very kind to me, that God intervenes and let not external factors ruin my plans. I asked for a divine intervention but it did not work, at least not the way I expected the answered prayer to be. In short, things did not go perfectly well. I was frustrated and disappointed. My efforts. My money. My time. My happiness. Not so much catered.
But I realized, I should still be thankful for what happened. First, I learned to do something new and it was a wonderful feeling to be able to do something out of passion, and not just because of a mere requirement or anything. Second, I should be proud of myself for being prepared, for doing my best to make things well. I think it is something I should be happy for. Lastly, I should never be frustrated nor lose heart because of some unfortunate events. What mattered more was that I gave my all. I am never regretful. I realized that I am already happy of what happened. I was just clouded of the not-so-good events that I failed to see the beauty of my experience.
I am HAPPY. Things may have not gone my way but it was more than enough that in my own capacity, I gave everything I got. And that I still worked on to make things perfectly well. So, I enjoyed, had fun and learned something new in this life.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Not a Lonely Day After All
I was tying my shoelaces in the jeep. After it I saw no one in there but me and realized I was alone. This is a day that I want some company but no one was there. I can’t seem to find any friend to make me feel that I am not alone. I was expecting some people but they’re nowhere to be found. This is one of those days that I become melodramatic. That I feel that close friends are getting far from me. That I am not needed and wanted anymore. That I am no longer special.
I was self-talking to accompany myself. I was looking for something to entertain me. I was alone and I want to cheer myself up. Before the jeep traveled any farther I realized that today is Monday and I should be visiting my grandpa. I stopped near the flyover and rode a jeep heading to Cabantian. No one was there but me. I talked to my grandpa while cleaning his gravestone. I was really in need of company. My uncle came and so did the rest of the family just a couple of minutes after. I realized then that I am never alone. I have my family and relatives. Most especially, God never fails to make me feel accompanied.
And sometimes there will be people who will drop by, unexpectedly appreciate your hair and make you feel less lonely. :)
I thank God that this is not a lonely day after all.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Advices and Options
Personally, I want people to let me decide for myself, means, I don't seek for the "advice" but let them make me realize on things through helping me weigh on things. A friend told me that when they do counseling, they don't necessarily provide advices to the person. He said, an advice is like commanding the person to do that because that is the right thing to do. So instead, they give options. They provide scenes of consequences if you do that, if you don't do that and that sort. I think that way is more helpful because you have no one to blame if your decision fails and you have yourself to congratulate if you made it right. I really believe on Socrates as he said that true insight comes from within. So, I suggest, you make decisions on your own but seek help on how to do these things. I do that. I consider the ideas of others but I made the final decision. And as an adviser, I don't tell my friends to do things because that make things better but instead I tell them what can be the possibilities and just let them realize on their own.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Bux.to: A Scam?
While surfing the net and blog hopping, I saw this controversial post from a fellow blogger. What interest me was the post was about bux.to and challenging its fidelity to the people who are so loyal clicking ads for some $0.01 per click. I am one of them. The article opened my mind not to continue wasting my time clicking their ads and supporting the site. The arguments presented were for me very true. I also asked for payout but until now I have never received any. I think I better stop and opt to sites that would do what they promise. The full article is found here. I am not really saying that bux.to is a scam because I also heard some people being paid but I don't also to be part of the many who are left unpaid.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Home Alone
I AM HOME ALONE! I am supposed to be there with my family in my uncle's private resort but I refused because of this Project Management work. So by the time I decided to really wake up this morning, I was left at home alone. I really feel alone. This night, I ate my dinner alone. I decided to watch some random movie to entertain myself but I found no interesting film. I was about to take a ride when a friend asked me to bring him the MAC OSX Installer. So I went there and walked. I was alone walking in that dim-lit streets. My friend told me that I should be cautious. We talked for a while and I left. I was alone again. While heading I was thinking of writing this entry and be more informative. I thought of searching the effects of being home alone or what. But, I realized I should stick to my own feelings and experiences that base this post to any others' reflections. So i dumped that idea as I threw that leftover I saw in the dining table. I planned to get our dog inside but again I did not do it. I realized that he may be used to it and I can't afford him to be just licking my whole body while I am working with this project we have. By the way. before I reached home, I passed by a wake of a neighbor. There were lots who visit his wake. From that place to our home is about 98 steps, my steps. Well, steps could vary. The place is so dark. I feel all alone again. I opened the door and saw no one (obviously). I opened the lights, the TV, the computer, the laptop, the air conditioner, many more. I am really looking for some company. I thought of going out but then realized that that is not me. I am a home buddy. So now, I am putting this loneliness to words. Solitude really makes me reflect. I can use my being a soliloquist right this very moment. I only have myself. I am home alone. I can't wait to have them back home.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Obedience and Letting Go
I'm proud to say that for two consecutive nights I was to attend to two different christian communities. At the first night, my friends and I joined for the first time the Bible study of CCF (Christ's Community Fellowship). We were invited by Kaikai. The message shared was so striking. It was about OBEDIENCE. Obedience to our parents, according to the Bible, is a responsibility. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for it is right. Well, indeed obedience is right. The pastor even told stories about how obedience made a life of several persons better and the negative effect of doing otherwise. I was enlightened by how important obedience is. It is really something that would benefit us. He said lastly that obedience brings rewards.
This night, Kring and I, went to VCF ( Victory Christian Fellowship). This was the launching of the new Youth Night. We were late because of some project matters. We were not able to catch up with the praise and worship part but we heard the sharing of the WORD. The topic was about LETTING GO OF THE PAST . We should not dwell on the past. If we focus on our past we will forward slowly to the brighter future that awaits us. Also, letting go is very helpful because it is like removing all the baggage we're carrying our lives. These emotional baggage would also hinder us from moving forward. Past is gone, a new one has come. We can never be prisoners of the past. It is good to recall the good memories. But sometimes we should not be just contented of what had happened in the past because there's too much to enjoy. There are a lot of things to expect. There's more to come. Past maybe beautiful, but the present and future can be better.
I am just sharing all of these because I am happy. I want to inspire people to be obedient to there parents and especially to God and to let go of the past. God Bless.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I am a Unique Song.
My bones, my DNA, the whole of me make a unique song. I heard from 1am, a christian band from Malaysia, that every DNA of men makes music. I was really amazed. A member told us that DNA of same species of animals have the same sound, however, every man has his own unique sound from his DNA. Such a revelation to me! I was never regretful that I chose to be on that christian concert than stay at home to watch the PDA Grand Performance Night. With me was Kring and we walked from school to the Victory Christian Fellowship(VCF) center. There, we met new and old faces. I realized that I missed the church people especially those who I consider as inspirations like Kuya Tom, Ate Sai and the Talents InC members. That night was a night of revival. My spiritual cup was almost empty until the end of the concert. It was a rejuvenation. Praise God for everything. I love the praise and worship songs. I love the people there. Most of all, I love God. The concert made me realize that I am a song. A song that I must sing and resonate to the world. We can change the world through our songs of praises. If we just sing in unison, God will surely grant our pleads.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I want it back.
You viewed me. It was very unexpected. I was thrilled. But it was painful. I want to resist you but fate seems to enjoy playing with my heart. I don't want to go back to zero. I am moving on. I am almost there. But you came back. Then, get away again. I just want some good friendship. I hate myself for asking for more. I want you to be away for a while. I want my heart back. Give me time. Enough time to move on fully and be just your friend.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Have I been good lately?
During these times when projects are too many and heavy to handle, a simple person like me can no longer inspect himself. I used to do this almost every day. But lately, time is not with me. I am too busy for preparation of documents, reports, presentation and defense. Even now, I am still doing those stuff. These seem endless, although, I know these will end soon. A minute earlier while in the CR, I reflected. I reminisced what I did for the past few days. My idea was just to recall my stressful nights and the accomplished works but it turned out that a question popped into my mind. Have I been GOOD lately? I was stricken by the question. I reflected again and until now, I can't really fully answer it yet. All I know is that I was too busy completing my projects and I am not sure if I cared to be good during those pressing times. I can remember that I was laughing, I was mandating, I was irritated, I said sorry, I cried because of the pressure, I isolated myself to compose it again. There were so many things I did but I am not sure If I did good. I want to be good and I hope I have been.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
To tell a True Love Story
If I am fated to just listen about love matters, then so be it. It is a sad reality that my friends are talking about crushes, suitors, boy-girl relationships, and I am just there to listen. That's true. I really have no great love story to tell. I am always the listener and not the teller of a good love story. It is not really OK to me. I also want someone to love me. But I am not really longing for a romantic love. I just want a filial love. Just someone to be with me for the rest of my days on earth. I also want that someday I can tell a wonderful story that can inspire people. To change the face of love. To let people realize that love is not all about hugging, kissing, sex but it is more of keeping each other and being together whatever happens. This is how I see true love and I want to experience this love. This may still be an imperfect human love but who am I to look for perfection? Only God can give that. No human does. I still believe that we mold our destiny; that we have choices. I am starting to hold on to the dream that someday I will be with someone. If it takes me to fight destiny, I'll do so. That dream, I know, is worth fighting for. It is not selfish to long for love. It is never a crime. But it will always have limits. I want true love and I want it for good.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
On Death Scenes
Yesterday night I saw a death scene in a TV program. As usual I was moved to tears. But because of having a class now in Philosophy, I asked myself why I cry when I see death scenes. There were several answers that popped into my mind. Not being defensive or anything, but I think I cried for reasons that are totally acceptable and not just because I am a cry-baby. I realized that I cried because I pity the person (not the dead). For me, there is no more painful event that could ever happen than a death of a loved one. And that leads me to my next point. I cry because I am so afraid that I would be on a death scene someday. Inevitable it is, but if it I can lengthen the life of a loved one, I would surely do it. Or better die first than see them lying peacefully in a coffin. I don't hate death, and not even trying to escape from it. I just want a longer life for my family, friends and loved ones. I don't want to experience death of a loved one at this young age. I want to spend a longer time with them and do things that I could treasure forever even after death. Funny it may sound but I close my eyes whenever I pass by a funeral home; I don't want to see the coffins, the flowers, the lights and the sad people. Death is a part of life. No one even me can't escape from it. I accept that. I really do. Just don't want it now. Not yet.
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Sunday, June 8, 2008
Water is Life. Water takes Lives.
What gives life can get away lives. We have been blessed to use water to sustain life. This natural source gives nourishment for us to survive. It is the source of food; used for cleaning, for sanitation, for agriculture, etc etc. But the respect it deserves, we did not give. Water is avenging for what we have done. Despite of its generosity, we never gave back it deserves. We throw garbage. Oil spills. Dynamite and cyanide fishing. Coral reef destruction. And so many activities that contribute to the destruction of the waters. We can't blame the water if it take away lives. We deserve its wrath. And we need to restore what we destroyed to prevent its wrath from coming back. We can't afford another tsunami, or a great flood or worst, water would take over the land and eat us all alive. I can't picture that event to happen. I don't want that that time would come. Not now. Not ever.
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Sunday, May 25, 2008
When Somebody is in your Mind Always
I deny the fact that I feel a romantic love for this person. But this one is always in my mind. Every little thing reminds me that this person exists. And it is everyday. From the time I wake up until I lose my consciousness. I know in myself that I don't feel romantic love; a friend's love is a better term to use. Or just maybe I am afraid to consider it as that. Perhaps, I am too scared to admit it to myself that this time I'm in love. I've been denying love for almost a year now. I am avoiding it. I don't want to feel it. Not yet. Not now. One thing is certain--can't get this one out of my mind. And I don't know what to do.
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